I, like most people, began drinking Trader Joe’s “2-Buck Chuck” wine with my limited income back in college. And later, as I blossomed into a poor 20-something living in a three-bedroom apartment (insert cliché), my love for the Charles Shaw wine only grew. After all, there are few cheap, good, yet still socially acceptable wine options out there.

And even though I’d like to think that my wine palate has matured over the years, there’s a good chance my kitchen is currently stocked with Trader Joe’s Shiraz, as I speak (or type). But speaking of the cheap wine, Thrillist recently recruited a sommelier to taste-test all of the Trader Joe’s 2-Buck Chucks.

The sommelier they recruited was Sam Lipp, general manager of NYC’s Union Square Cafe, and the former bar manager of Eleven Madison Park, a three-Michelin-starred restaurant. Lipp rated the wines based on the appearance, smell, and taste. He provided “a 1-to-10 overall rating.” Here’s how the 2-Buck Chucks stacked up against each other.

Chardonnay: 8

…It reminds me of my dad’s bathtub… There’s certainly an element of fake oak, in the best possible way. It’s as if somebody took a whole bunch of the wood chips from when playgrounds were badass.

Cabernet Sauvignon: 7

It smells like alcohol and paint thinner, which to me smells like alcohol. This could basically be the sweetest red wine I’ve ever seen passed off as a table wine.

White Zinfandel: 1

Pure liquefied, alcoholic Jolly Rancher. I’m sorry I can’t give you more on that. Yet — and this is serious — there’s a useful quality to this wine. I would use this in college punches, as a sweetening product, when I didn’t need more alcohol.

Merlot: 7

When I smell it I also start to introduce the idea of ground black pepper…. Oh my god, maybe we are high from sniffing it. If I hadn’t seen the labels of all eight beforehand, I’d take this for a cheap impersonation of a Loire Cabernet Franc.

Pinot Grigio: 6

It’s a bright, fresh, lively nose, sort of citrus dominated, grapefruit, lemon, lime. Hmmm… now all of that potential in the nose has pooped out in the palate. It sort of feels flabby. But overall it’s really not that bad at all.

Sauvignon Blanc: 2

It smells like weed! Dammit, I think he poured us the Sauv Blanc now to show us how wrong we were… This wine tastes of every wine. It has zero defining varietal characteristics. This one is terrible — it’s approximately half a step from Mad Dog.

Nouveau: 3

… It has no distinguishing characteristic as wine whatsoever. It just smells like grape. The problem with this wine is it just tastes like candy, the sugar is off the charts.

Shiraz: 7

… It’s got this real light rancidity under the freshness. I’m light, I’m fresh, I will tear you up in the morning. But the second sip is better than the first!

After looking at these sommelier ratings, I’d stick to the Shiraz, Merlot, Cabernet Sauvignon, and Chardonnay wine options if I were you. Cheers!

[h/t Thrillist]