I’ve been in relationships that rivaled the misery of
Guantanamo detainees. I’ve been in relationships that lasted about a year
longer than they should have. I’ve been more myopic than Urkel. And once it was
all said and done, I learned a few things. Listen up, grasshopper.
1.
That
conversation you’re avoiding? Have it. Don’t let things brew. If you’re not the type
of person to let things brew, good—don’t date someone who is. The worst
possible thing you can do to yourself is date an alcoholic who avoids talking
about anything of importance. (Not speaking from personal experience, or
anything, guys.) Sooner or later, it’s going to come up. If you nip it in the
bud, you have a choice of how, when, and its speedy resolution.
2.
Do you
think she/he is cheating? She/He probably is. This is not carte blanche to
be a fucking moron: have some self control and stop blowing everything out of
proportion. That said, if you have a suspicion (grounded upon facts) that your
sigot is acting in a way that a neutral party would determine is “weird,” then
you should probably give that suspicion some credence. NOTE: neutral party is
NOT your girlfriends or your guy friends. They will just agree with you.
3.
Speaking
of girlfriends/guy friends, nobody should know the deets of your relationship.
You’ve had a fight. Are you the type of person to go and immediately call your
best friend and vent? Because I was. And then it came back to bite me in the
ass. Best case scenario: your friend cares so much about you that they will
start keeping track of everything shitty your sigot has ever done to you. They
will remind you of it every time he/she fucks up again. They will never let you
live your own misery at the hands of this asshole down. Worst case scenario:
your friend likes commiserating a little too much. You’ll be over the row, but
he/she won’t be. And when your relationship starts looking up, your friend will
resent you for it.
4.
Stop
having your representative show up to your dates. When you first start dating someone,
everything is bright and rosy. You try your hardest to make your sigot happier.
You do little things like cook dinner, or bring flowers home, or take time to
watch a movie you’re not a fan of together. When you first start dating
someone, your true you is not the one showing up to the dates. You’re setting a
standard that’s unsustainable. After three months, the rep disappears and
you’re on your own. This is more impetus for you to just be yourself in the
beginning—no big promises, no superfluous lies. Just do you. And the
disappointment to follow will be minimized.
5.
Parents.
They’re here to stay. You’re not dating
them, but tread cautiously in this area. Always be yourself. Parents have a
bullshit meter that’s super fine-tuned. If you’re dating the loser that needs
his mom’s/her dad’s approval to date you, then dump that ish. This is NOT okay.
An adult should have a well-developed sense of a relationship that is
independent of his/her folk’s criteria of what the person he/she is dating
should be. If your sigot lacks in this department, this is only a sign of
trouble to come. You’ll always be competing against some phantom parent
requirement, you’ll fall short, and you’ll be perpetually resentful. Cut it,
now.
6.
When
people show you who they are, believe them the first time. People dismiss
the first sign of trouble. They want to believe things will get better. They
will not, okay? It will only get worse from here. The spark will wash off. The
farting won’t be cute. Neither will the wondering eye. Neither will the stash
of old boyfriend/girlfriend pics. Your tolerance to any bullshit will be
significantly lower after a few months. You will start kicking yourself for not
having heeded the initial signs of trouble. The red flags are there for a
reason—take them seriously.
7.
You are
not MacGyver. Stop trying to fix shit. Do you feel like it’s your
responsibility to “fix” your significant other? Do you always blame yourself
for their shortcomings? Are you trying to motivate them? Do you always feel the
need to give pep talks? Do you feel sapped of all energy because you always
invest in your sigot, without getting anything in return? Are you dating a
loser—or a classic fixerupper case? Stop it. The time invested in this shitty
relationship will not pay off. You will feel constantly drained, and you will
not be able to replenish that energy anywhere else.
8.
Sex.
Nothing can replace it. Seriously. Are you no longer having sex with your
significant other? Do you feel a growing physical/emotional disconnect? Are you
crying yourself to sleep because your soul is dying and also…your sexual organ
is about to fall off from nonuse? Time to call it quits. Something is happening
there. This number depends on homeostatic sexual activity levels, but if you’re
not having sex at least twice a week (for most people), something’s up.
9.
Compromise.
This is a tough one, and it’s something everyone tells you to do. But you’re
toeing a dangerous line here. Are you the type of person who has a good moral
compass and generally understands when to give in? Are you a pushover? Are you
a stalwart defender of your own opinion, regardless of whether it’s wrong or
right? These are questions you need to answer before you decide whether to
compromise on something. You need to view the relationship as a whole and
assess how/whether this particular compromise will affect your stance in the
relationship. Make no mistake about it, relationships (especially bad ones) are
zero-sum games. Once you’ve given up the first stronghold, you’re fucked.
Always try to remain levelheaded, patient, and understanding. But also
remember, things are not always hunky-dory. You have to be willing to
compromise, but that goes for both parties. If you’re always making concessions
to someone who thinks she/he is always right, you’re fighting a losing battle.
10.
Do
you even lift, bro? A lot of people get into relationships when they’re not
ready. They haven’t recovered from their last relationship. They haven’t sorted
out emotional issues. They’re not exactly set on the person they’ve settled
down with. They are still in single mode and communicate with exes/hookups
every other weekend. They don’t know who they are, or what they want from the
relationship. These are all serious problems; if you’re suffering from the
above, call a hotline, and stay far away from commitment. You’ll make things
easier on everyone involved.
BONUS: Don’t Snoop. Seriously–the act alone underlies some serious trust issues. Either your haven’t sorted previous problems out, or your significant other is a sack of shit. Either way, you’re going to find what you’re looking for: email communication with exes, photos of things/body parts you can’t unsee, sketchy Facebook history, etc. In these situations, you go in with a mission, and you’re setting yourselves up for a fight. This is quite possibly the ugliest scenario you can get yourself into. If you don’t trust your partner, dump him/her. If you have trust issues, change yourself. But repeated snooping is never okay.
– Helena B.
More From Helena:
The Unofficial Guide to Being a Man, From a Woman
Clearing Up the Blurred Lines
America The Beautiful: A Response to the Ignorant Backlash in the Miss America Pageant
