I love Spotify.

While I believe artists should be duly compensated for their work, I don’t necessarily believe in paying $0.99 per song, especially after only hearing a 30-second sample. When Limewire got the kibosh, I migrated to Frostwire. When I got legal threat from the RIAA, I gave up the P2P for good. If I go to jail, it won’t be for a pirated Coldplay single.

When Spotify debuted in the summer of 2011, it was a godsend, rescuing me from the drudgery of YouTube to mp3 converters. I could explore and sample music like never before. Sure, there’s the occasional commercial. But the ads keep the service free for bums like me, so how could I mind?

Two years later, I find myself enraged at every commercial break. These are the worst groove-killing offenders.

The Knockoff Lumineers Lowe’s Jingle

A helping hand is sometimes all we need
So we stick together close like family,
You and me,
We can make the world shine bright with love,
Get 10% off major appliances like refrigerators, washers and dryers.

Now that I type that out, it’s even more infuriating.

The Trojan Condoms

Picture it; you’re with that special someone, and things start to get heated. Before things go any further, you go to your laptop and open up Spotify. And for the first few cuts of Kind of Blue, you’re on top of the world. The mojo’s flowing. And then, a choir of grown men sing in unison, as if to mock you: TROJAN MAN.

There are few mood killers as potent as Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” sped up and slowed down to demonstrate how new Trojan Fire and Ice condoms maximize pleasure for both partners.

The X-Games Answering Machine

My own feelings regarding the X-Games aside, these ads are completely idiotic. If you wish to market to the young, hip demographic who uses Spotify, it would behoove you not to use a piece of technology few Millenials are likely to have ever seen in person. If the concept wasn’t bad enough, every time some BMX biker wants to tell me about all the fabulous locations the X-Games will take place this year, it’s prefaced with an insufferable beep.

The Perfect Halloween Playlist… in January

Love Michael Jackson’s “Thriller?” How about a little “Time Warp?” Well you’re in luck. Thunder. Wolf’s howl. Spotify has collected the best Halloween jams for you. Never mind it’s January, let’s rock out to a little “Monster Mash.”

The Spotify Guilt Trip

The infamous five-note riff played on an acoustic guitar lets you know that you’re about to hear from Spotify itself. “Hey, Spotify free users!” a man says, though he might as well be screaming, “Hello, cheapskates!” Then he asks me to buy Spotify gift cards for my loved ones. Because nothing says, “I love you” like something you could’ve gotten for free in the first place.

Did we miss any? If so, let us know in the comments below.