Surprise! Lindsay Lohan has a half sister!
Another week, another Lohan family disaster. For years, Kristi Horn has been claiming that Michael Lohan is the father of their love child, Ashley. For some reason, she insists on being associated with the Lohan family, which seems like a clearly poor decision. Stay away from those loons! But Horn and her daughter, who is 17, went on The Trisha Goddard Show (I guess Maury was busy?) to pull out all the stops: a DNA test, on-air breakdowns, public humiliation, and truly great television. After much suspense, it was revealed that Michael Lohan, YOU. ARE. THE FATHER. Might as well channel Maury at a time like this. Who is Trisha Goddard anyway? But that’s not the point. We’re supposed to be surprised that the Lohans can’t stop embarrassing themselves and that Michael Lohan is the worst dad of the year. Trisha Goddard really tugged at the heartstrings during the show, berating Michael for never touching his daughter, or holding her, or even talking to her in person. But things got real when Trisha whipped out the big guns: a Maury guest appearance! I knew he couldn’t stay far away from a high-profile DNA test. And he asked the toughest question of all: “Did you, at any time when Ashley was young, say, ‘I’m gonna take you to Disney World’??” Oof. I’m willing to bet he didn’t, the jerk. If you can’t look your own bastard daughter in the face, you probably won’t be visiting Splash Mountain anytime soon together, Maury, gosh. Lindsay Lohan reacted to the news on Good Morning America this morning, but her lazy attempt at feigning real emotion led some to believe that she already knew about it. Lindsay probably can’t remember past last Tuesday though, so who knows.
Justin Timberlake keeps trying to make MySpace happen
It isn’t going to happen. But still, newlywed JT randomly chose MySpace as a hobby to distract him from his otherwise boring life, and wants to push it on the rest of us. Rolling Stone posted an article about a tour of the new site, which is now anchored toward musicians as a platform for new music and a way to connect with fans. The layout has been revamped and updated, but old MySpace staples remain, such as the Top 8 and the little soundtrack that plays when you open a profile. This basically sounds like my junior high memories teamed up with Bandcamp to embarrass me. Do any of us need to be reminded of the cafeteria feuds started by the friendship hierarchy that was the Top 8? Or how long Simple Plan’s “Addicted” played underneath your selfie because it, like, really spoke to you at the time? I think the answer is no. The idea is there–creating a simpler, catch-all social media stop for artists and fans–but why bring MySpace into it? Is the little picture of ‘Tom’ smiling over his shoulder going to be looking at me every time I want to stalk Dawes?
“The palest member of Jersey Shore” is getting his own talk show
That great description of Vinny Guadagnino came from the LA Times. It’s true, Vinny is the palest, and he is getting his own show. Why? you ask? Good question. As in, ‘Why is the world doing this?’ The answer to that question is unclear, but the MTV Executive Vice President of Programming and Head of Production, Chris Linn, proved he doesn’t deserve that fancy, high-paying title when he said, “Vinny’s unique mix of humor, intelligence, curiosity and heart make him the perfect choice for this genre-busting take on the interview format.” My life flashed before my eyes at ‘intelligence,’ but hopefully someone finished reading that quote. This makes Vinny the fourth cast member to be rewarded for doing nothing by getting paid more for doing nothing again, also known as a ‘reality show spin off.’ Snooki and J-Woww’s second season of “Snooki & J-Woww” was approved, but Pauly D’s project, “The Pauly D Project” is still up in the air for renewal. All I want is for my HD TV to love me back, but it doesn’t. It hates me. Jokes about the audience group fist-pumping and segments titled “The GTL Hour” aren’t even worth it. Bye.
The “Him?” heard around the world
What a sad week of news. MySpace is still a thing, a new Jersey Shore spinoff is a thing, and Channing Tatum being named ‘The Sexiest Man Alive’ is a thing. Did People forget that Ryan Gosling is a thing (again)?? That’s my question. Apparently People has a thing for oafish types and thinks that everyone else does, too. When asked about his reaction, Channing Tatum, who has been married since 2009, told People that he and his wife were washing their dogs when he told her and she said, ‘What?’ And that’s really the gist of the whole boring article. If your own wife is confused, that’s not a good sign. E! Online came to Channing’s defense, with some empirical evidence as to why Channing really is the sexiest man alive, but it wasn’t quite convincing.
“According to the Davie Brown index, which surveys folks just like you, Tatum actually holds more sex appeal than nearly any of the other people I’ve mentioned above. Yes. Really. Specifically, when it comes to appeal, [Robert] Pattinson comes in at No. 2,571 on a list of celebs. [Taylor] Lautner? No. 2,199. [Taylor] Kitsch? No. 1,573. [Kellan] Lutz is No.1,851. [Ryan] Gosling comes in at No. 936. And Tatum? No. 787.”
There you have it, ladies (and few guys who still might be reading this). Some random numbers that prove Channing Tatum is the sexiest. No, he is. Look at the numbers, not his face! If you’re still sad, here’s a little somethin to make you feel better. (Side note: Google completes ‘Channing Tatum looks like” with “a toe.” Case in point.)
