This week, the Golden Globes went down in its true the-Oscars’-drunken-uncle fashion, Lance Armstrong went on Oprah to cry into her ample bosom about his steroid use, and American Idol still just won’t leave us alone. Here are a few more gossipy highlights from the past week that you might have missed. Go ahead and impress your friends with celeb knowledge tonight at the bar, it’s what MLK would have wanted.
Everyone’s onto Taylor Swift
It seems that, not only has everyone caught on to Taylor Swift’s relationship-breakup-hit song formula, but also that everyone’s pretty much over it. During this Sunday’s Golden Globe awards, Tina Fey warned Taylor to “stay away” from Michael J. Fox’s son Sam, and turns out Michael J. Fox doesn’t want her anywhere near his son either. He said in an interview that if Sam were to bring her home, he wouldn’t even know or care who she was until their breakup song came out. Who knew Michael J. Fox was such a betch? On top of all that, Perez Hilton held a contest that asked readers to submit their own Taylor Swift-Harry Styles breakup song. See, Taylor Swift doesn’t even have to do her own job anymore. The winner’s entry was actually pretty good at pointing out the fact that Taylor dates a lot of guys. It’s funny cause it’s true! But the point is valid: Taylor’s schtick is growing old. Fewer and fewer people want to alternately watch her blonde ponytail and red lipstick sing-complain about the guy she dated 7-12 months ago, and listen to her talk about how much she likes cats. That’s the definition of basic. Let’s LOL at the winning video “Sorry Harry” because it makes fun of Taylor, and laughter hides the fact that I would totally date Harry Styles:
Britney is back to bumming us all out
Britney Spears’ time on The X Factor has ended after just one season, because she wanted to spend her time and effort on her eighth studio album, which is sure to be the best one yet. She’s doing big things y’all. And so what if her and her fiancé Jason Trawick broke up, even though he had co-conservatorship over her shambled life because she was once too mental to take care of silly things like her finances and children? She’s once again stable and in charge and perfectly sane. Right? Somehow this sounds off. Oh yeah, that’s because the sad truth is that Britney still hasn’t completely recovered from her 2007 mental meltdown, and her dad (who has sole conservatorship over her estate) and Trawick had been planning the engagement break-off long before Britney knew anything about it, so as to not send her spiraling. Finally, it turns out, insiders reported that she actually quit X Factor in order to avoid getting fired, for not working hard enough or bringing in enough viewers to earn the $15 million she was paid last season, and also for demanding a $3 million raise for not doing any extra work at all. When asked about her time on X Factor, Britney responded, “Oh my gahhh y’all was that what that was? So, like, did I win?”
In other crappy TV news, Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey got into a fight over who knows the movie Mean Girls better on this week’s American Idol premiere. All this, and still, no one has figured out whether or not butter is a carb.
Getting ‘Catfished’ could happen to you, too
If anyone knows a thing or two about people on the Internet pretending to be someone they’re not, it’s the creators of MTV’s Catfish. At the same time, if anyone shouldn’t be trusted with reliable judgments, it’s people who work at MTV. Regardless, Catfish creators Nev Schulman and Max Joseph have appointed themselves as the official investigators for the whole Manti Te’o mess. And guess what they decided? He’s been Catfished! Despite all the shady business, Schulman and Joseph believe that the 21-year-old Notre Dame football star is the victim of a ridiculous hoax involving his nonexistent girlfriend who died from leukemia the same day Te’o also lost his grandmother. But what seems most ridiculous is that we’re supposed to believe a young, strapping, Heisman candidate would need to engage in a solely online relationship, but whatever. I’m not the Catfish expert. It’s also suspicious that Te’o never visited his girlfriend in person, not when she was in a car accident, diagnosed with leukemia, or dead. This story has so many absurd elements, though, I think it’s best left out of MTV’s hands. Schulman and Joseph’s investigation will probably be over once they realize there’s no script and that they can’t track down the crazy person at a Wendy’s parking lot in Missouri.
LiLo vs. J-La
Lindsay Lohan is on the same level as Jennifer Lawrence only in the sense that you can both shorten their names into adorably clever tabloid go-tos. Other than that, though, not many similarities. For one, Jennifer Lawrence’s acting career has not been forever ruined by mugshots and multiple grand thefts. Naturally, Lindsay doesn’t appreciate that other actresses can still land award-winning movie roles, and naturally she took to Twitter to really get Jennifer Lawrence good. After JenLaw won a Golden Globe for Best Actress, she looked at the award and said, “What does it say? I beat Meryl!”, which is a quote from First Wives Club. Lindsay can’t remember what happened the day before yesterday, let alone classic movie quotes, so she subsequently tweeted, “no1 should ever mess with a legend, such as Meryl Streep.” Oooooh. Lindsay takes her own advice to heart, seeing as she’s now more steadily employed as a “professional” escort than an actress who could mess with Meryl Streep, unless all of her dates with old dudes are practice for an upcoming role or something. No, no it’s definitely not that. When the New York Times Magazine takes the time to write a long-form feature about how much you suck as an actress, it’s pretty much all over. I would honestly be unsurprised if next Lindsay claimed to have an online boyfriend who was a charity-loving, Ryan Gosling look-alike, who also died.
