The Great Beyonce Lip-Sync Tragedy of 2013
Nobody’s lazy vocal chords could ever cause such a to-do but Beyonce’s. On Monday, she performed the National Anthem at Obama’s inauguration, but Americans are good at being lazy, so they immediately uncovered that Beyonce was lip-syncing instead of real singing. Americans are also really good at starting frenzies, so naturally, the world then ended as a result. I’m surprised no news stations cleverly dubbed the incident as a ‘Beyoncepocalypse’ or something nonsensical like that, but that doesn’t mean the Internet wasn’t assaulted by speculating headlines. From “Did Beyonce Lip-Sync the National Anthem?” to “CONFIRMED: Beyonce DID Lip-Synch the National Anthem,” and then, “Beyonce lip-sync controversy: Stars weigh in,” and finally, “Everyone weighs in on Beyonce lip-sync controversy.” Good thing we all have the strength and heart to carry on in light of this tragedy. Dark times are upon us: What if Beyonce lip-syncs the Super Bowl Halftime Show??
Kris Jenner might be an even more terrible person than originally thought
Robert Kardashian, the man who is one-half responsible for all of the misused Ks out there, allegedly kept diaries during his marriage to Kris Jenner, and his widow Ellen Kardashian recently released them to In Touch magazine. I wonder if having the last name ‘Kardashian’ directly relates to being an attention-mongering horror? (See what I did?) But the bigger questions are: how many grown men keep diaries? And also, why didn’t Ellen Kardashian release them to the police instead, seeing as they contain tales of child abuse? One handwritten entry, dated August 24, 1989, says, “Kris was kicking and beating her and said she was going to kill Kim! Kim was hysterical.” Yikes. It’s hard to imagine Robert Kardashian, who defended OJ Simpson in trial and must have an affinity for crazy, sitting idly by and musing in his journals while one of his daughters was being beat by his wife. Still, it’s written down with a real pen on actual paper so it must be true. None of the millions of dollars that the Kardashians are worth could have anything to do with this. Oh wait, that probably has everything to do with it. (Side note: If you’re in need of a good Friday afternoon laugh, just Google Image “Kim Kardashian crying.” I’m serious.)
Surprise: No one wants to see Lindsay Lohan naked
The Canyons, a film about Lindsay Lohan dawdling around and crying a bit, has been turned down by both The Sundance Film Festival and now South by Southwest, which is held in Austin, TX in March. In reviews, the film has been said to have “an ugliness and deadness to it,” so clearly people are being very unsubtle with how unimpressive Lindsay looks in her nude scenes. Perhaps director Paul Schrader should have emphasized how brief those scenes are, and that if you close your eyes and hum you can almost tune out the sound of her raspy whining. Even then, though, it wasn’t going to be likely for the film to be a success. In her adorable state of persistent delusion, Lindsay recently turned down an offer to be on next season of Dancing With the Stars, even though she would have been paid double the amount that other stars get to appear on the show. She said the reason was that she firmly believes she has an acting career, but she’s probably just getting used to the easy life as a professional escort.
Turns out Justin Bieber is as smithy as he looks
There’s something about Justin Bieber’s smug little face that just doesn’t sit right with me, and now I know the reason behind all of my misplaced resentment. New reports have surfaced that the reason that Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez broke up was because he got high and cheated on her with a nursing student. What a downgrade. I don’t know too many nursing students, but I can tell you that you don’t often see many Selena Gomez-types wearing scrubs with little cartoon cats on them. Ya just don’t. Anyway, according to the ever-reliable Star Magazine, a “source” reports that Justin and some friends were smoking marijuana and drinking a ‘chemical concoction known as ‘sizzurp.’’ Oh yeah, that. Justin proceeded to take the nursing student onto the balcony and whisper creepy nothings into her ear, before moving to the bedroom. What a heartbreaker, to find out that Justin cheated on Selena, not once, but twice. Because if you can’t trust young, mega-famous pop stars to remain faithful, then who can you trust??
Lightning round: Rihanna Instagrams herself smoking a blunt, continues not to GAF; In one of the weirder things to compare lips to, Taylor Swift broke up with Harry Styles because he kisses like a snail; Coachella 2013 lineup announced to a sea of ‘Meh’; JJ Abrams is directing new Star Wars film, new segment will still be set in outer space.
