Here’s what happened in the world of celebrities this week. Next, we’ll speculate over Beyonce’s Super Bowl Halftime Show for one straight month. Happy Friday/end of football season!
“Maybe I should walk away from this one,” said Chris Brown, never
Chris Brown is seriously this close from being unanimously voted into exile. After assaulting Frank Ocean earlier this week, he should have painted a picture of Napoleon, not Jesus. But no, Chris Brown, according to Chris Brown, is just like Jesus. On Sunday night, Chris Brown and Frank Ocean allegedly got into a fistfight over a parking spot. Honestly, what are the odds that the two of them would be in the same parking lot, at the same time, driving around for the last available spot? And just as you would expect a Chris Brown altercation to end, he allegedly punched Frank Ocean, after his entourage jumped him. Whoever Chris Brown’s publicist is probably hasn’t advised him to stop punching people out of fear of getting punched himself. Brown’s Instagram the next day read, “Painting the way I feel today. Focus on what matters!” With a painting of one big Jesus and two smaller Jesuses. What a weird feeling. Chris Brown could face jail time if Frank Ocean decides to press charges, as he would have violated his probation that resulted from his 2009 assault on Rihanna. “Leave us out of this one, man,” said all three Jesuses.
No one cares about Lady Gaga anymore, declares Internet
AccuraCast, a search engine marketing agency in London that tracks a star’s digital presence, has declared Lady Gaga 2012’s Fallen Star, after Justin Bieber passed her up for most Twitter followers, and YouTube stripped her videos of millions of views that spam was mostly responsible for. Of course only robots could withstand watching and rewatching those videos, but is it truly fair to call out Lady Gaga for being a ‘fallen star’? Maybe she just spent most of 2012 making music instead of wearing meat dresses? Oddly timely, Gaga-related gossip has hit the Internet as her ex-assistant threatens to sue her over hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid overtime wages. In response, Lady Gaga said, “She’s just–she thinks she’s just the queen of the universe. And, you know what, she didn’t want to be a slave to one, because in my work and what I do, I’m the queen of the universe everyday.” To hear that this ex-assistant is displeased with her experience working for Lady Gaga is truly shocking. She sounds like such a doll.
Ke$ha’s life is crazy and beautiful and she wants you to know it
Because MTV has all but given up, they’ve given Ke$ha her own docu-series, “My Crazy Beautiful Life,” about her pop star life, to be filmed by her brother. “You might have heard my voice on the radio, seen me on stage or in a music video, but that’s only part of the story,” she said in a statement. So in case you thought that every time you weren’t watching Ke$ha perform, she was living in a vacuum, oh boy were you wrong. Now you get to watch her live her life, which is not only crazy but also beautiful, as she most likely bathes in glitter in the morning and complains about how hard it is to be someone with a dollar sign in her name at night. It’s not much, but it must be better than that new Jersey Shore-type show about redneck teenagers jumping into truck bed pools. Honestly, I’ll probably watch it.
Can’t decide what you think about Girls? Here’s your answer
People either love Girls or love to hate Girls. Lena Dunham’s HBO series about struggling twentysomethings has been greatly successful, but no one can seem to decide what the final verdict on the show is. On one hand, it’s real and witty, on the other hand, sometimes you have to look at Lena Dunham’s boobs. Thought Catalog has certainly mulled the topic over, but the real question is, what does 65-year-old NBA Hall of Famer Kareem Abdul-Jabbar have to say? Turns out, he understands female-centric storylines. In an oddly passionate critique of the series, he praises the show for being “original and insightful,” while dismissing it for being “mostly white” and “not that funny.” Girls confronted their racial criticism right off the bat in season two with Donald Glover’s character, but you think that fooled Kareem? Watching any episode, he says, “could leave a viewer snow blind,” and that Glover played “some jungle fever lover.” To really drive the point home, he adds, “A black dildo would have sufficed and cost less.” That’s the truest statement I’ve heard all week.
Lightning round: Entourage movie is totally happening; Amy Poehler’s writing a book; Can Alicia Keys save BlackBerry? Probably not; Will Smith and Jay-Z’s Annie will either be the best or worst remake ever; These stars are going to perform at the Grammys!!
