Now that we’re past campaign ads, and onto post-election complaining, let’s forget about politics altogether (besides a quick shout out to Beyonce for posting this) and remember that celebrities are still out there doing silly celebrity things. America!
Go home, Rihanna, you are drunk
Rihanna, whose Facebook page has the most likes–63 million–of any page in the history of the world, went on Facebook Live (a talk show that for some reason exists on Bravo) to discuss this achievement as well as her new single “Diamonds” from her new album Unapologetic. This sounded all too boring for 24-year-old Rihanna though, so she got drunk first. This probably got some boring people all offended, but if you’re going on a show named after Facebook, you might as well pregame, amirite? Watching the video, though, you can’t exactly tell that she’s drunk, meaning she didn’t throw up all over host Andy Cohen or fall asleep. She did, however, call Chris Brown “dope,” and “kinda alright,” continuing to add fuel to the rumor-rousing fire around their still-existent relationship. Maybe she meant to say “kinda alright, compared to a Nazi”? Or “a dope”? It makes sense, though, because everyone seems dope and kinda alright when you’re drunk. And yesterday, Rihanna announced that A$AP Rocky, a person who hasn’t assaulted her face, will be accompanying her on her Diamonds Tour in 2013. Some were speculating that it would be Chris Brown, but since the tour has stops in Canada, and he needs special legal permission to leave the country, that might have been difficult. Why can’t Chris Brown easily leave the country, you ask? Because he brutally assaulted Rihanna’s face in 2009. Oh, yeah. What a dope!
Justin Bieber creeps out Victoria’s Secret Angels
Justin Bieber, who is 18, performed at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show Wednesday night, doing his little dance on stage in a white outfit that was simply darling. Then afterward, he proceeded to hit on all the VS models, and was turned down. It just doesn’t add up! The New York Post, who covered this story, listed off a bunch of models who are married or in serious relationships, using that as a possible reason why Justin didn’t score any supermodel digits at the afterparty. Sure, we’ll go with that, even if Justin hitting on a supermodel is the Hollywood equivalent to an adolescent boy hitting on his teenage babysitter. The rejection also probably had to do with who these models were dating: men with names like “Stavros” and “Leonardo DiCaprio.” (Actually Erin Heatherton just went through a breakup with DiCaprio, but still. “She’s totally over Leo,” lied her friend.) Justin did spark up a conversation with model Cara Delevingne, but she used to date Harry from One Direction, so she clearly has a type (body hairless). Wait a second, what does this make Selena Gomez? Chopped liver? Sorry bb.
Lindsay Lohan is turning her life around
You didn’t fall for that did you?! That would be a real story. Instead, Lindsay Lohan has canceled her anticipated interview on 20/20 with Barbara Walters, which would have aired on November 16th. It’s not clear why Lindsay all of a sudden bailed, but it might have to do with her impending jail time for lying to the police. Last summer, Lindsay’s Porsche crashed into the back of an 18-wheeler on Pacific Coast Highway. She was with her assistant, Gavin, and told the cops that he was the one driving (since her license was suspended at the time, and probably for forever). But now, only like 14 months since the accident, her assistant has admitted to the cops that Lindsay was actually the one driving. What? That would mean that she lied! Lying, as it appears, is Lindsay Lohan’s best thing. She does it all the time to herself when she claims to still have an acting career, and also when she gets into trouble with the law. Now, leading up to her court appearance and sentencing, she is claiming that she was too confused after the accident to know what she was saying, and that she would never deliberately lie to the cops. According to Radar.com, “There was a lot of commotion in the emergency room…and cops were coming at her from every angle.” I mean, really, can you blame her? With all of that going on, how could she answer a question like “Who was driving?” If a bird would have started chirping outside of the hospital lobby, I wouldn’t have been surprised if she forgot her own first name. She’s not Superwoman.
Kirstie Alley lies about John Travolta
Kirstie Alley, a Scientologist, has announced publicly that she’s super certainly 100 percent positive that John Travolta is not gay. And if you can’t trust a Scientologist to speak out about another Scientologist, then who can you trust? “Believe me, it took everything I had inside, outside, whatever, to not run off and marry John and be with John for the rest of my life,” she told Barbara Walters this week on Good Morning America. This is a strong statement to make in light of the seemingly endless list of evidence suggesting otherwise, like when his pilot, Doug Gotterba, spilled all the secrets of their six-year relationship, and photos surfaced of them kissing. Or when a (male) masseuse sued Travolta for sexual assault because he touched him inappropriately during a massage. When pressed with this evidence, Kirstie Alley realized she was thinking of the pizza chain Papa John’s, and immediately corrected herself, saying “Ohhh, Papa John is who I almost ran off with and married, not John Travolta!” Before adding, “John Travolta is definitely gay,” and “Now I’m hungry.” Well, there ya have it, I guess.
Britney Spears wants to write a book
Jane Austen, Virginia Woolf, Toni Morrison, and now Britney Spears. For we’ve all waited long enough for Britney to pen her priceless thoughts onto a bunch of glued together pages, enlightening us with her fountains of knowledge, undoubtedly carving her name onto the list of literary greats…thought no one, when Britney announced she was in the works for a book deal with HarperCollins. The book would not be just a memoir, but a fictionalized account of things that actually might have happened to her, which is what some famous people think makes sense to do. By changing the subject from “I” and “me” to some random, sure-to-be-Southern name like “Crystal,” Britney will be following in the footsteps of Lauren Conrad and Snooki. I’ve defended Britney in the past, but for the good of future generations, we have to ask her and other dumbass celebrities to lay off the authorship, especially since we all know ghostwriters are a thing anyways. Leave literature alone!
