If you’re mourning the loss of the ABC Family series Bunheads right now, don’t admit that out loud, to anyone. Also, you’re in luck, because you can quickly fill that void by tuning into the series premiere of The Vineyard tonight. ABC Family’s newest show is a reality show (sort of?)/docu-series(??) focusing on 11 painfully pretty 19-25 year olds spending the summer on Martha’s Vineyard. Staged drama, hookups on boats, masculine shoving fights near bonfires, blonde backstabbing, Nantucket reds, shouting while jumping into a body of water, shirtlessness, and golden sunsets are sure to ensue.
Don’t believe me? Watch the thirty-second promo video below:
What’s weird about The Vineyard is that it’s confusingly hard to tell whether it’s actually a reality show or not. ABC Family is marketing it as a “series,” and the crisply filmed shots and one-liners seen in the promo feel not one bit like the reality we all live everyday, nor like the “reality” we’re accustomed to seeing on TV, a la Laguna Beach and The Hills.
This is what reality TV is supposed to look like:
Regardless of how real it is, let’s meet the cast members, who are comprised both of island locals and those who only spend summers vacationing on the Vineyard, or “washed ashores,” as I’m sure no one actually calls them. ABC Family provided super helpful insights into each character’s personality – so here those are, reworded just a bit.
Taelyr Robinson – Taelyr is the shy and “inexperienced” (ugh) girl ready to bust out of her shell, which probably means she’ll hook up with one or more of the other cast members in a sexually frustrated frenzy. When bonfire fights erupt over her, she’ll play the innocent card.
Sophi Alvarez – Sophi is a Miami Venezuelan who wants to become a singer, and for some reason thinks spending a summer being filmed on Martha’s Vineyard will help her achieve that. She will likely get into screaming fights with other cast members during which she will always reference that she doesn’t need any of these people, she only needs her music.
Luis D’Agostino – The old bad-boy-who’s-actually-sensitive boy, Luis will likely fall in love with one of the other cast members and tell her about his feelings, and that he’s never told anyone about said feelings before. She’ll then probably hook up with his house enemy.
Katie Tardif – A fashion designer who also wants to change the world, Katie doesn’t know whether she wants to be with her current boyfriend forever and always or not. This relationship will last one to two episodes, while the dramatic, tearful, intense phone conversations will last many more.
Jon Franco – Jon is the All-American Boy who wants to live it up before his first year of pre-med, blah blah. Will most definitely break girls hearts and then pensively and shirtlessly look into the sunset for life’s deeper meaning.
Jackie Lyons – Ex-LA writer moving back to the little Vineyard to be closer to her sick mother, with a penchant for falling for the wrong guy. (Luis. Definitely Luis.) Now I’m not sure whether we’re talking about reality TV or a Nicholas Sparks novel.
Gabby LaPointe – Stuck in the middle of the gossip and the attention of the show’s other main characters, whom viewers will actually be interested in. As far as reality shows go: level-headed equals boring.
Emily Burns – A Martha’s Vineyard golddigger. No, really: Sophisticated and opinionated, Emily knows what she wants in life – a successful man to take care of her. That’s what we’re working with here. But will she learn that there’s more to life than just money?? If that’s what the script says, then sure.
Daniel Lipshutz – Daniel likes to throw parties and eventually wants to become a professional party thrower. Daniel’s also clearly a bro. But is he focusing enough on his own love life? He better hurry up, there are so many episodes in one season.
Cat Todd – Cat’s rebellious because she has an edgy name and red hair. She also has a *history* with Ben, which is sure to be a plot point.
Ben Rossi – Ben used to be in the Coast Guard, but has returned to his parents house in the Vineyard to focus on finding a job. But wait, is that Cat!?! Drama!
In all honesty, I unintentionally just got myself really excited to watch this show. Set your DVR – The Vineyard premieres tonight at 10 pm. At least it doesn’t take place in South Boston or have “Wicked” in the name.
