BuzzFeed Video recruited their coffee expert Wes Johansen last week to finally decide which cheap coffee is the best. Of course, these ‘cheap’ coffee contenders pretty much round out all of the coffees I know to exist, unless I were to think about it really hard, but I digress. Cheap coffee for life!

So, Mr. Johansen sat down with a cup of 7-11, Denny’s, McDonald’s, Maxwell House, Folger’s, Starbucks and Dunkin’ Donuts coffees to put their tastes to the test. After a series of curious descriptors, from notes of “soggy wheat cereal” at 7-11 to “dirty asphalt” at McDonald’s, two winners stood at the forefront: Folger’s and Dunkin’ Donuts, both receiving four out of 5 stars Victory!

Coming in last, you’ll be pleased to know, was Denny’s with a measley 3/4 stars, followed by Starbucks. That’s right: the mammoth coffee chain only gained 1 star from the coffee expert.

Here’s what Johansen had to say about Dunkin’ Donuts:

Beefy, almost. Ooh, this one dances around on the front of the tongue. I kind of get maybe a grape Jolly Rancher from it. It could even be an African coffee or maybe a Costa Rican? You always know it’s good if your face contracts. More of a breakfast blend. Very zippy. 4 stars out of 5 as well. Im really getting afraid of how much I’m starting to like these coffees. Ignorance is bliss.

And here are a few more quotable gems from the rest of the coffees:

7-11: “I haven’t violated my tongue like that in a while,” 2 stars.

Denny’s: “All coffee is 99 percent water but this might be 99.9,” 3/4 stars.

McDonald’s: “I might have to brush my teeth for a half an hour to get the taste out.” But, “halfway tolerable,” 3 1/2 stars.

Maxwell House: “I think if you drink a lot of it really fast you can get a hint of melon. A side-of-the-road cantaloupe,” 2 1/2 stars.

Folger’s: “This one is not so offensive! But still not very good,” 4 stars.

Starbucks: “Almost gag-like, after all these sips,” 1 star.

Watch the video below and check out some highlights to get a good laugh at this highbrow coffee swigger judging all of the low-hanging coffee fruits, and by the end of the video, you’ll likely be hankering for a Dunkin’ coffee.