1. Stop Rushing: Oh, you want to be a doctor? Tell me more about how neuroscience has been your passion since you were twelve. While you’re at it, I’d love to hear your cockamamie story about that one thing that happened to you when you were a wee baby that inspired you to learn about the brain and its ways. Seriously, nobody buys your bullshit. When someone starts spewing uninspired stories about how they’ve “always known” this is what they want to do, all I can do is picture them as little sheep being lead around by their parent’s perceptions of what “success” is. Seriously, discover new things. Take new classes. Challenge your notion of what you are all about, and you will be surprised at how productive it is in helping you “find yourself.”
2. When people tell you this is the best four years of your life–listen. Don’t roll your eyes. These people have responsibilities, they have loans to pay and families to take care of. They don’t have time to go out every Friday with their frat buddies and get drunk. Their bodies can’t even handle that anymore. Do you know how long it takes a 25-year-old to recover from a few drinks on Friday night? Approximately until Monday morning. But only because they have to not be pukey when they go to work.
3. Intern. Speaking of work, you have to intern as much as you can. It will discipline you and teach you time management. It will give you experience before you enter the workforce. It will show you what it’s like to be an adult and have adult responsibilities. Just one thing–before you go to your internship, go shopping. You have to look the part. That suit you got for your bar mitzvah isn’t going to cut it. Neither will the ef me pumps you wear to clubs on Fridays.
4. Grades matter. Do your research on professors. I hate to tell you this, but ratemyprofessor will save your life. Don’t just look for the easy professors; but, do look out for reviewers who insist that this is the most boring professor they’ve ever had. This is not a class to take at 8AM on a Friday morning. Pay attention to the syllabus, and do what you have to do to get a decent GPA. This will matter when you’re applying to grad school. For that purpose alone, you have to work within the system. Then, you will never–literally, never–be asked about it again. Like the SAT. Speaking of applying to grad school–WAIT a year or two after undergrad. Trust me, you’re not mature enough, even at 21, to make decisions about the rest of your life.
5. If you don’t understand the question, you don’t know the answer. Don’t be that annoying asshole who asks useless questions. Especially don’t be the gunner that makes comments just to show that he read the assignment or that he’s a know-it-all. Nobody gives a shit. The people who do well are the people who do their work, not the ones who talk about how hard they worked. Also–learn to write. Take writing-intensive classes as much as you can, because this will be the ONE skill that you will always need to use. Questions about the Leviathan will not come up in everyday conversation–but your ability to write convincingly about mundane topics such as the Leviathan will be something employers value highly.
6. Make friends. Your college friends are going to be important in your life. They will be folks that have gone through some highs and lows with you, and their loyalty will be something you’ll fall back on time and again. It is harder to make friends when you’re older–this is trite but true. You’re more jaded and the world looks darker–it’s harder to blindly commit to friendships the way you can when you’re young.
7. Start managing your money. It’s never too early. You know people I could never understand when I was in college? People who bought their books at the bookstore. WHY? Do your due diligence, figure out who your professors are, and buy your books online for a fraction of the cost. Say you change your schedule around at the last minute and don’t want to have useless books laying around if you’re not taking the class. Cool. I can get with that. So what you can do is buy your books once you’ve finalized your schedule. They will be a week late, and you can pay for faster shipping. You’ll still save hundreds of dollars. In the meantime, explain to your professor your particular situation and she will understand. Guaranteed.
8. Smoking because you think it’s cool. This is a general “don’t give in to pressure” point–but it’s really the cigarettes that upset me. To be clear: It’s not the smoking, it’s the posing. Do you walk down the street, awkwardly holding your cigarette in your left hand between your middle and ring fingers–even though you’re right-handed? Are you smoking because you think it makes you look cool? Stop it. You look like a moron. Real smokers (those poor suckers who are addicted and need one every hour, on the hour) can spot you a mile away and they hate your poser ways.
9. Stop speaking like a moron. You know what’s really, like, annoying? Like, I hate it when people come up to me and they have, like, vocal fry, and they sound like a Kardashian with brain damage, and they like, try to tell me something. But like, it takes forever for them to get it out because, like…they don’t know how to clearly and concisely formulate an idea. Like, oh-em-gee, that’s annoying. And it confirms to everyone that you’re an idiot.
10. Study Abroad. College is all about broadening your horizons and opening your eyes to new experiences. Taking yourself out of the college microcosm and meeting new people will give you insurmountable perspective on where you fit in, what you like, etc. It will hopefully teach you the beginnings of a new language, and it will give you some cool stories. Do it.
More From Helena:
The Unofficial Guide to Being a Man, From a Woman
Clearing Up the Blurred Lines
Dear Crazy Break Up Text Girl
Sinful Style: Get Thrifty
