I just recently turned old, and as often happens in times of
sorrow and despair, it seems that everything I see is in direct reference to my
official status as old maid. Countless articles on Buzzfeed hound me every day
about how it’s sooooo different to be
in your early twenties vs. your late twenties. Or about how essentially I
should just forget about ever having fun again because I’m old and poor and I
suck. Or about how I shouldn’t drink because my body will take about seven
years to bounce back from it. Or about how everyone is getting married because
they all have their shit together and then there’s spinster me in the corner,
looking older and sadder by the second.

And to all of this I say…fuck you. No, seriously, fuck you. Because it only
takes one little grain of hope to dispel all this craziness, and I’ve received
that grain today. I’ve planted it, and it’s given me hope. It’s now growing
into a glorious hope tree.

What’s that grain, you say? Gawker. I’m just bouncing back
from reading the splendid transcripts of the email communications between a
bridezilla and her “faithful bees” (her words). Apparently, this bride/mythical
dinosaur-like reptilian creature that destroyed Japan/the sanity of all of her
bridesmaids, has been making all sorts of crazy demands of her “friends.”
Things like weekly weigh-ins, rules to check in with her before making any
changes to appearance, and diet regulations so that no one has fat arms, but especially so that no one is skinnier
than the bride.

I feel terrible for the guy that’s marrying this girl. But I
feel even worse for the people who get tricked into believing that conforming
to this status quo of “demanding crazy bride-to-be” is better than just being
unmarried and owning it. The fact
of the matter is, if you’re 40 and unmarried, everyone almost automatically
assumes something is up. Did you focus too much on your career, oh so
selfishly? Or do you have some deep dark inadequacy? Do you have daddy issues?
Are you perpetual frump-girl? Everyone is
thinking it.  But if you’re 30 and on
your second marriage…I mean, that’s not ideal either, but it’s not quite as bad
as “never having found anyone.” You did, you found someone—you’re the same as
everyone else, and therefore acceptable by any standard mores of our society.
Things just didn’t work out. It was the distance. He was an asshole. You wanted
kids, and he didn’t. How dare he not give
you kids.

There’s a TV show…

Hey, I get it. There’s a season for everything. Sometimes
it’s just easier, physiologically, to have a kid when you’re younger.
Sometimes, you have more inventory to pick from when you’re in your 20s or in
college, than when you’re in your thirties and people are already cutting down
on the ultimate social lubricant, alcohol. But imagine if someone’s graduated
college a little later because they took a few detours along the way. Imagine
they’re just getting their first crack at the world of finance, for example.
Imagine that most of her colleagues are much younger. Do you look at her,
pitifully, pat her in the head, and assume she’s mentally challenged? No. You
understand that everyone takes a different path. Not everyone is as lucky in his
or her careers. You make exceptions because nobody expects you to have it all
figured out, all the time.

What is love…baby, don’t hurt me. 

But then there’s love. Why is it that for love, there are no
exceptions? Why do we cut no slack? Why are we so demanding on ourselves and
our significant others? Why does everything have to be done Bridezilla style,
on a tight schedule, and just so? I know it’s not as simple as I’ve transcribed it–not every bride is a bridezilla, and not everyone feels pressure to have it all figured out and perfect romantically. But a majority of people do–and
imagine how much harder it is to make the right decisions when you’re
blindsided by what other people want and expect of you. Imagine how hard it is
to enjoy love, when all you can really think about it how much debt you’re
going to have to pay off because of the wedding. And now imagine a world in
which marriage is not the end game, but love is.

I have been
in love, but I have never been married. All of my relationships have
taught me wonderful things. They have enriched me in ways and made me wise in ways
that perhaps twenty trips around the world would not accomplish. I am happy to
have been lucky to find love—but I suspect that I did so because I stopped
looking for marriage. 

 – Helena B.
 
 Also Read: 
 Failure to Launch: Why Millennials Are Slowly Entering Adulthood
The Unofficial Guide to Being a Man, From a Woman
 5 Things First Year Law Students Need to Know
Introducing SIN Communities